Stop blaming yourself…

I keep finding new things to discuss in this whole ending of an affair. It keeps being brought to my attention how stupid some of his victims feel. They are embarrassed. They are ashamed. I’m not.

Something to keep in mind and just embrace, is that you are not stupid for falling for anything a sociopath or narcissist says. This is what they do. We are not talking about average lies here. These are far more calculated. These people hone this one skill their entire lives. They can easily attune their persona to whoever they are with. They can quickly find the buttons and heartstrings that it takes normal people years to discern.

They are masters. *1

“Narcissists and sociopaths are extremely good at sniffing out trusting, vulnerable people, who tend to see the good in others. Thus, they can be very difficult for “nice” people to spot until the offender has wreaked tremendous and undeniable havoc. Relatedly, because people tend to view others as subscribing to a generally accepted moral code (such as that lying and harming others is “wrong”), even an otherwise savvy person can work hard to find the “good reason” why someone is acting “off” rather than identifying problem personalities and behaviors for what they are. Feelings of anger, distrust, or fear about what we “know” about a loved one will cause great distress, otherwise known as “cognitive dissonance.” As a result, most of us wind up resolving this cognitive dissonance by reinterpreting facts that feel at odds with what we need and want to believe about someone.” – Psychology Today

Imagine getting in a fight with an average person at a bar. A fist fight. You can probably hold your own for a while. They are the same sex and height and weight and age and ability. That’s what it is like dealing with a normal person in an average environment and a regular situation. They tell you something and you believe it and then you find out they lied and you are done. That’s about the whole thing.   Now imagine that you have somehow pissed off Natasha Romanov (Black Widow). Leaving aside that she is a redhead, which is also a superpower, she is a trained assassin. She started training in childhood. You don’t have a prayer. Even if you are armed, she is going to wipe the floor with you. You have friends with you? Great, give her an extra 3 seconds.

There is zero shame or embarrassment having your ass handed to you by Natasha. That’s what she does.

That’s what it’s like dealing with a sociopath or narcissist. They have fans and adulation from people who don’t know them. Because nobody knows them. Maybe their mom or siblings might know something is off about them. But when people they are close to start to pick at the persona and question, they’ll get distance from them.

For example they might move from New Jersey to South Dakota.

They’ll see those people very sporadically, but never long enough to be questioned.

Something else to remember is that they can lie about something that happens to be true. They are saying something they don’t mean: God, you are amazing. You are so hot. Wow, you are smart.

They say these things to pull you in. But these things can still be true. Don’t wrap up your self-worth with their lies. Their lies and goals have nothing to do with you.

One of the ways I was able to somewhat easily move away from this was as soon as I recognized the situation in its entirety for what it was (what HE was), I could remove myself from the equation. It’s not personal. I was not a person to him. I was a vessel. An empty one. He did what he wanted and he left. There was zero thought of me as a person the whole time.   That actually makes this much easier.

Imagine you are in a traffic jam and some yahoo decides to go around the cars, in the emergency lane. He’s a dick. We can agree. But as he is going past your vehicle, he clips the side mirror and keeps going. It that personal? If you say yes, you are setting your life up for continual pain and suffering.

The answer is no. He didn’t even notice you. He is in that lane for his own selfish and dangerous reasons. It has nothing to do with you. You just got clipped.

You were not sitting out further than the other cars. Your car was not brighter than the others. You didn’t do anything wrong. You just got clipped. Get yourself a new side mirror from Amazon and move on.

So, why am I still blogging this whole thing?

Because I can unemotionally tell a story that might help others avoid this experience or make sense of it if they didn’t. *2

Notes
*1- I was thinking that these labels fit, and they do. But the characteristics of these ‘issues’ that fit, also overlap with sex addict and sexual predator. So, as you read this post, replace those former labels with the latter. In the end, it still adds up to a troubled person.

*2- There is another, later post discussing the correlations between sex addiction and drug addiction. They often go hand in hand or one often leads to another. Again, addiction is addiction. The underlying issues that have not been dealt with will always be there, until they are.

If you wish to read the whole story in order, now with notes, on my experience with Steven Monteforte (AKA Steven Joseph, and Jersey Steve) Here it is in order.

Post 1 Steven Monteforte Series. Start here. Taking Chances.

Post 2 Steven Monteforte Series. What Self-Preservation Mode Looks like… it ain’t pretty..

Post 3 Steven Monteforte Series. An Update.

Post 4 Steven Monteforte Series. The Incongruity of My Current Situation.

Post 5 Steven Monteforte Series. Final Credits.

Post 6, Steven Monteforte Series. It is what it is…

Post 7 Steven Monteforte Series. It must be a Marvel Movie!

Post 8 Steven Monteforte Series. Previews of Coming Events.

Post 9 Steven Monteforte Series. Sociopaths and Narcissists.

Post 10 Steven Monteforte Series. Stop blaming yourself.

Post 11 The details of the night I spent with Steven Monteforte.

Post 12 Steven Monteforte tries to scare me/bully me into silence.